Sunday, May 10, 2009

Drinking out of Cups...

Holy shit! I found this the other day on a recommendation from Jim Breuer on his XM radio show. Since I find him to be one funny son of a bitch, I decided I should check out what the commotion was. Since I can't really describe what exactly is going on in this clip, I would just have to say this... This would totally be me if I was an animated lizard. HILARIOUS! Enjoy...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


I know it's been a while since my last blog post, and I am sorry about that. The bottom line here is that I am lazy. I'm just not equipped to deal with my daily life, all it's little nuances and then blog everyone's face off about it. I just really wish I was. Perhaps it would help if I had a particular topic to write this blog about other than the wacky dealings in my life and how I react to them. Suggestions would be appreciated...

So...what can I talk about tonight regarding the dealings of the past couple of weeks? Well, I guess the ultimate was that the co-worker who I wrote a blog about a while back is no longer a co-worker of mine. Yep, his dumb ass got walked right out the front door. In a way, I am somewhat sad to see him go...strictly because now I have to find other means of amusement throughout the day when I am in the office. That, and I will miss him because he was such an important part of my life. Wait, let me go grab a tissue as I shed a tear...

Lately, I have had to do a little car shopping. And by little, I mean every fucking day, at a dealership for hours, exchanging punches with each and every car salesman that I meet. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy car shopping. It gives me a good prospective as to how much we've screwed ourselves in the past few decades. When you really think about it, buying a car is the WORST decision someone could ever make. First off, they cost a small fortune - unless you're buying one of those stupid Smartcars or even worse, a fucking Mini Cooper. Second, they depreciate in value the moment you get into the car and drive it off the lot. And third, if you're like me (and you drive a shitload), then you go through them every few years. To me, that is a HUGE waste of money and the worst capital expenditure that I can possibly think of.

However, I diverge... Getting a new car is a great feeling though. An even better feeling is knowing you got to stick it to the salesperson and the dealership on price. Ha ha! That's always a fun one for me. Last weekend, I was at a dealership for 3 hours going back and forth with the salesman. Another salesman even brought me a big bottle of water after he got himself one! Told me that he hadn't been worked over like that in a long time. Made me question if the guy was really married or not...heh.

I'll be sure to let you know when this whole process ends and what I end up with. I'm sure I'll have a good story about it. Until next time...

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

That Bitch is GONE!

For those of you who watch American Idol like me, you're probably wondering why in the hell Megan Joy Corkey was still around this week. If I had the time and less of a life, I would have actually sat there for the full 2 hours after Idol on Tuesday night and voted for everyone BUT her like 100 times each. She is by far, this year's Sanjaya or Amanda.

The girl is somewhat cute, I'll give her that. But, with those damn tattoos and her stupid outfits each week, that takes away any aesthetically pleasing aspect of her. Her voice? Sounds like a giraffe dying. She made that clear to everyone after this week's performance. And can I say enough about how God awful her "dancing" is?!?!? What the fuck IS that??? She only has two moves...and both suck beyond compare!

Every week I've been biting my nails and wondering when the hell the rest of America is going to get that bitch outta there! Tonight...I got my wish! However, it is with great spite that she left that stage. If she was going to go, she was going to make me vomit...or at least want to. Guess what Megan...success! You finally did something right in your life! When she walked...or should I say, flew...over to the stools, I felt the nausea coming over me. What the fuck was she doing? Flapping her arms and cawing like a bird?!?! WTF?!?! I prayed for someone to rush onto the stage and kick her ass right off. Needless to say, I was disappointed.

You know who didn't disappoint me tonight? Simon. Yes, Simon Fucking Cowell! What can I say? I love the guy. He says exactly what I would say...but more politically correct. I absolutely loved when he told Megan that she was so screwed. She got what was coming to her...that cocky little bitch. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. Then again, it would be so much funnier if it did.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

What the...??!!

I must first start off by telling you that I love billboards... As I clear my throat, I have to laugh. That sounds ludicrous...I mean, hilarious. Who the fuck loves billboards? Me, you bastard. I do! I'll tell you why...

Alright, sorry, I just had to get that out of my system. I was driving down the highway by my office the other day and I pass by this great billboard. It showed an advertisement for a local beauty school. Now, I am not knocking the actual school itself - mostly because I know a couple of people who went there. It's not a bad place, really. And it has a pretty good following. However, after seeing that billboard, I just had to laugh.

My co-worker was in the car with me and we were heading out to lunch. We both saw the billboard and laughed. Instinctively, I turn to him and say, "Recession-proof your career?" I didn't even wait for him to laugh. "More like, apocalypse-proof your career!" He lost his shit when I laid that one out on the table.

I go to explaining my statement and he stops me. He tells me that nothing more needs to be said...and besides, he couldn't stop laughing. I laughed with him for a few moments and then I proceeded to claim why I said that.

I told him that in this day and age, you can't make a statement like have to go BEYOND the current state of affairs. We're ALREADY in a recession...DUH! You have to take it one step further if you want to attract people to your school of higher learning. That makes sense, right?

I figure that if a nuclear holocaust is the next step after this damn recession we all seem to be stuck in, then we better prepare our asses! If this lovely world we live in were to become a desolate wasteland, like an absolute shithole, then I would totally, I would HAVE to make sure that my hair looked fabulous. And when I say fabulous, I mean FUCKING fabulous! If my flesh were rotting off of my skeleton due to radioactive fallout, the first thing that I would make sure of would be that my hair looked like a million bucks. Hell yeah!

And to sum this whole experience all up... My co-worker pissed his pants. Really. Just a little.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Ok, ok...I get it!

So, here I am on a Friday night, after months of poking and prodding from my girlfriend to write another blog post. Damnit! Sometimes I feel like I fold like a cheap lawnchair! This, of course, is not one of those times. I feel like I've held out like a champ! Ha!

I have no idea what I am going to write about tonight. Maybe I should write about how much I hate a couple of my co-workers. Hmm...that might make me feel better after a week of insanity. Here we go...

One of my co-workers is a complete imbecile. Yep, I said it. Imbecile. You would think in an economy such as this, a person would like to keep his job. Nope, not this guy. Mind you, he is an educational champion. He spent 12 years in college. Those are the kind of people we call
anesthesiologists. Him...I call moron. The best part of it all is that he's PROUD of it!

Ok, back to my story... For the past month or so, he's been challenging the authority of the office - i.e. our boss. Now, I am all for challenging authoritative dictatorships. However, in this case, this asshole was just completely out of his league. It's one thing when you know what you are talking about and you are sure that your boss has no clue. It's completely different when you're the one who has no clue and tries to argue with an expert. Perhaps you are starting to get the picture.

For the last couple of weeks, this guy's head has been on the chopping block. Everyone and their mother has tapped him on the shoulder and told him to lay low and keep his nose clean. Has this 'anesthesiologist' taken any of our advice? Nope...not at all. The best part was what I got to hear the other afternoon in his office - which just happens to be next door. Now, don't get me wrong, I've heard some crazy shit in my day... But this is some good stuff. In 3 months, I've never heard someone come down so hard on an employee before. Seriously! It nearly made me fold in half! I was beside myself! This shit was hilarious!

I felt like our boss made him out to be a failed experiment with a monkey. That's right...a monkey! I felt like we were in the NASA space program and my co-worker was the lone chimp who couldn't handle the pressure. Really?!?! I thought the guy was going to cry. And you know what I did? I almost fucking cried myself...from so much laughter! It was the single greatest moment of the week. You would share in my joy if you knew exactly what this guy was like from the start, trust me.

For someone who claimed to know every CEO and President of every major company in New Jersey, his life was pretty sad. He lives in a single bedroom apartment in a rather dangerous part of the state. He drives the oldest piece of shit car I have seen in the past 10 years. He looks like he belongs in communist Germany - yes, the good old days. And this guy wonders why he gets ridiculed each and every day by his co-workers. In my mind, this guy should be at the top of his game. Instead, he's trying to impress 14 year-old girls with his luxury car from over 15 years ago...and he bought it last year. Awesome.

In my book, this guy is a fucking champion. Every day that he lives and breathes in my presence is a gift. It takes everything I have not to shove my fist into his mouth each time he opens it up. It takes zen-like control not to throw him down a flight of stairs. I know that you think I am harsh, but to be fair, you have to meet this guy to understand where I am coming from. Perhaps some of you have someone like this in your life. If you do...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for you because you are faced with a tough choice. Do you try to remove this person from the planet in order to make it a better place for everyone? Or do you hold your actions back, even though it kills you to do so, because you know that what you might do COULD result in some prison time for you? It is a moral conundrum...I know from experience.

Just know that I am with you...every step of the way. And for those of you who don't know... Please, have pity on me. I can only hope that on the day he gets fired, I have a device that can record every last second of the moment. Because...I would want to share it with all of you. :-)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I'm Sorry...I'm From New Jersey!

This is for all you New Jersey haters...

So, I've been getting sick and tired of hearing people from other states talking shit about New Jersey. Been born and raised here my whole life. It's not that I've never been's just I like New Jersey the best. Here's what I have to say to you if you think otherwise.

I'm sorry, but I am from New Jersey. It's quite sad if you think that New Jersey is some shitty place in the U.S. I guess, according to you, I have some things to apologize for...

First of all, I am sorry if you can't drive in this great state of New Jersey. I'm sorry if you can't figure out all the damn exits on our weird that the exits are each a mile apart and numbered in order! What's that? You don't know how many miles apart exit 98 and 63 are? Yeah, well genius, since you obviously can't add or subtract, that's 35. But, New Jersey is weird like that, right?

The United States is sybolized by a few things that are recognizable by nearly everyone in the world. One, is our flag. Another is the bald eagle. Another great symbol is the statue of liberty and of course, Ellis Island. Hmm...guess where they are both located? That's right, New Jersey! I am personally tired of New Yorkers taking all the credit for having such a symbol as part of their "great" state. It's in New Jersey with it.

Want to know the reason why New Jersey has one of the highest vehicle insurance rates in the country? It's because we have so many people from outside of the state driving here! Yes, I'm talking to all you shoppers out there who love to come to the unlimited multitude of malls that we have in this great state. Because YOU don't know how to drive around here, YOU cause accidents. Therefore, WE have to suffer by dealing with high vehicle insurance premiums. I, for one, greatly appreciate that. THANKS...jerks!

You know what else I have to apologize for? Electricity and the Theory of Relativity. Yep, I am apologizing for them. You know why? Because two of the greatest minds of the 20th century lived in New Jersey...Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein. I guess I have to apologize because if it wasn't for these two men, we would still be living by candlelight and wondering how come we have day, night and wondering about all those stars up above. Oh yeah, and thanks (in part) to a guy named Buzz Aldrin, the United States (and the world) saw men on the moon. Another good old Jersey boy that I guess I should be apologizing for, shouldn't I? And who could forget voices like Frank Sinatra, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen? All people who changed the face of music forever.

For those of you who are confused as to what kind of climate New Jersey has, I apologize. Unlike many of the "popular" states in this country, we have what are called...seasons. Yes, New Jersey experiences winter, spring, summer AND fall! So you can get frostbite and heat exhaustion, watch the flowers bloom and the leaves turn colors all in one place! The one thing that I REALLY do have to apologize for is the humidity in the summer. Yeah, I know, it sucks...

I'm sorry for all the farms New Jersey has. Because without those, you wouldn't be able to enjoy the best tomatos, corn and dairy products in the country. Like ice cream? Well, the milk mostly comes from New Jersey. Like ketchup? From New Jersey tomatos... I am sure I can name a dozen other things that come from the products of New Jersey, but I think you get the point.

I am also sorry that New Jersey can't have just one or two kinds of people like some of the other "popular" states. Take Florida, for example... They have only two kinds of people, so you can't get confused about where you are. They have people who are nearly dead and people who are retired and waiting to be nearly dead. Nope, not in New Jersey. You've got sophisticated people in the northeast, people who like to live far apart from one another in the farmlands to the northwest and southwest, you've got beachgoers all along the east coast in central and south Jersey and you have a host of others peppered all in the middle. Yes, including some hicks. Sorry, but that's just what makes New Jersey different. And, if you can survive here, you can survive anywhere.

Well, I think I am going to wrap up this little rant here. I can see you're getting tired of hearing all about how terrible New Jersey is. I'm sorry I had to put you through this, but you asked for it. That's what happens when you hear one too many New Jersey jokes. I'm tired of people calling my great state the "armpit of America." I guess I have a lot of things to apologize for, right? Most of all, I'm sorry because you aren't from New Jersey...and it eats you up inside.

American Idol...2008

It's finally over! David Cook is the new American Idol for this year. Thank GOD it wasn't David Archuleta! I think I would have shot myself in the fucking head if that kid won! I really hope David Cook rocks the shit out of the music industry when he cuts his first single and his first album. To be honest, I didn't like him in the beginning...mostly because of his look. I am glad that the producers saw that they couldn't market him as well as they could with him looking like that. Stupid red streaks in his awful haircut and that annoying dirt stain just below his lip. He looked like he just got out of bed and went on stage without looking in the mirror. And now, he looks like a fucking rockstar.

I had a lot of beef with this year's top 12. First off, I was real pissed that Asia and Kady were booted while the likes of Amanda, Jason Castro and Ramiele stayed. Asia (I know her name is Asia'h, or some shit like that, but I refuse to spell it like her drunk parents did when they named her), I thought, had an awesome voice and a good look. Kady, on the other hand, was just entertaining and I wanted to see her for a few more weeks. I lost my shit when she did her impressions...especially of Britney Spears! But, the audience...*cough* producers *cough*...thought otherwise.

How the fuck Amanda even got into the top 24 is beyond me! If anyone heard her tonight, she sounded like she was on drugs and just went for oral surgery. Reminded me of Bob Dylan if he just yelled what he was singing into the microphone. And not that I wanted to see this, but why the hell, when all the other girls were wearing skirts or dresses, did she still wear pants? She must have some fucked up legs underneath those jeans, let me tell you. Probably all scarred up from riding her motorcycle and getting bottles thrown at her while she was singing in her bar. Most of the time, she looked like she belonged with the Addams Family.

From day 1 I wanted to kick Jason Castro in the head and knock some sense into that kid. Could he be any more dumb? Anytime he was interviewed, he must have kept thinking to himself, "How stupid can I act on camera?" Just when I thought the kid couldn't act any more stupid, he just blew me out of the water over and over again. It actually pissed me off that he stuck around to the top 4. I would have rather seen the male strip club dancer in there more than him! Hallelujah? Are you fucking shitting me? How in the hell do you sing that song and practically get Simon Cowell to tell you it got him hard?! Unbelievable...just unbelievable! Would someone please shave that kid's fucking head, please?! I swear I saw some birds setting up a nest in there the last time he was on camera.

Speaking of the male strip club dancer... All I have to say is, "WOW!" That's some fucked up shit. I almost pissed my pants when I heard that one. Funny how that all came out the week he was kicked off. Think any homophobes vote out there? Oh, yeah, of course they do...that's why they voted off Danny Noriega as soon as they could. All I kept thinking when they were up there doing the George Michael song medly was, "I wonder if David Hernandez is going to give 'ol Georgie a lap dance after the show!"

And what the fuck went wrong the week Michael Johns went home? Did the producers really want him gone that bad? I know EVERYONE was shocked as hell to see that happen. I was pissed off like you wouldn't believe! The guy was solid gold! I have a feeling that they wanted him gone because he was Australian and 29 years old...not quite fitting the "American" Idol mold. Maybe it was because they saw how badly an older American Idol did in the market...i.e. Taylor Hicks. I hope he becomes a rockstar.

David Archuleta...where do I begin with this kid. Does he have a good voice? Absolutely! Do prepubescent teens and senior citizens love him? Yes, yes they do. Have his testicles dropped yet? That's a resounding NO! The kid had one dance move on the stage, and it was moving his arm outwards. He licked his lips so obsessively, I think he might have OCD. And if he ever sang while he was driving (er, when he drives...hehehe), he would get into an accident every time because he can't seem to keep his eyes open! I said it for the past few weeks...if he had come on American Idol in 6 years from now, he'd be a winner. At this point, he can't even stand up on stage without getting lightheaded and nervous as hell because he is worried his father will beat him if he doesn't do a good job. There's just no comparison between last year's 17-year old winner (Jordin Sparks) and this year's 17-year old runner-up. He was nothing more than David Cook's little brother up there.

One last thing before I sign off on this blog... Chikezie will always be a pimp in my mind and I hate Carly Smithson with a passion I only reserve for Notre Damn (oops, I mean...Dame) and Boston University. Cocky little bitch.

Ok, I'm out.