Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I'm Sorry...I'm From New Jersey!

This is for all you New Jersey haters...

So, I've been getting sick and tired of hearing people from other states talking shit about New Jersey. Been born and raised here my whole life. It's not that I've never been's just I like New Jersey the best. Here's what I have to say to you if you think otherwise.

I'm sorry, but I am from New Jersey. It's quite sad if you think that New Jersey is some shitty place in the U.S. I guess, according to you, I have some things to apologize for...

First of all, I am sorry if you can't drive in this great state of New Jersey. I'm sorry if you can't figure out all the damn exits on our weird that the exits are each a mile apart and numbered in order! What's that? You don't know how many miles apart exit 98 and 63 are? Yeah, well genius, since you obviously can't add or subtract, that's 35. But, New Jersey is weird like that, right?

The United States is sybolized by a few things that are recognizable by nearly everyone in the world. One, is our flag. Another is the bald eagle. Another great symbol is the statue of liberty and of course, Ellis Island. Hmm...guess where they are both located? That's right, New Jersey! I am personally tired of New Yorkers taking all the credit for having such a symbol as part of their "great" state. It's in New Jersey with it.

Want to know the reason why New Jersey has one of the highest vehicle insurance rates in the country? It's because we have so many people from outside of the state driving here! Yes, I'm talking to all you shoppers out there who love to come to the unlimited multitude of malls that we have in this great state. Because YOU don't know how to drive around here, YOU cause accidents. Therefore, WE have to suffer by dealing with high vehicle insurance premiums. I, for one, greatly appreciate that. THANKS...jerks!

You know what else I have to apologize for? Electricity and the Theory of Relativity. Yep, I am apologizing for them. You know why? Because two of the greatest minds of the 20th century lived in New Jersey...Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein. I guess I have to apologize because if it wasn't for these two men, we would still be living by candlelight and wondering how come we have day, night and wondering about all those stars up above. Oh yeah, and thanks (in part) to a guy named Buzz Aldrin, the United States (and the world) saw men on the moon. Another good old Jersey boy that I guess I should be apologizing for, shouldn't I? And who could forget voices like Frank Sinatra, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen? All people who changed the face of music forever.

For those of you who are confused as to what kind of climate New Jersey has, I apologize. Unlike many of the "popular" states in this country, we have what are called...seasons. Yes, New Jersey experiences winter, spring, summer AND fall! So you can get frostbite and heat exhaustion, watch the flowers bloom and the leaves turn colors all in one place! The one thing that I REALLY do have to apologize for is the humidity in the summer. Yeah, I know, it sucks...

I'm sorry for all the farms New Jersey has. Because without those, you wouldn't be able to enjoy the best tomatos, corn and dairy products in the country. Like ice cream? Well, the milk mostly comes from New Jersey. Like ketchup? From New Jersey tomatos... I am sure I can name a dozen other things that come from the products of New Jersey, but I think you get the point.

I am also sorry that New Jersey can't have just one or two kinds of people like some of the other "popular" states. Take Florida, for example... They have only two kinds of people, so you can't get confused about where you are. They have people who are nearly dead and people who are retired and waiting to be nearly dead. Nope, not in New Jersey. You've got sophisticated people in the northeast, people who like to live far apart from one another in the farmlands to the northwest and southwest, you've got beachgoers all along the east coast in central and south Jersey and you have a host of others peppered all in the middle. Yes, including some hicks. Sorry, but that's just what makes New Jersey different. And, if you can survive here, you can survive anywhere.

Well, I think I am going to wrap up this little rant here. I can see you're getting tired of hearing all about how terrible New Jersey is. I'm sorry I had to put you through this, but you asked for it. That's what happens when you hear one too many New Jersey jokes. I'm tired of people calling my great state the "armpit of America." I guess I have a lot of things to apologize for, right? Most of all, I'm sorry because you aren't from New Jersey...and it eats you up inside.

American Idol...2008

It's finally over! David Cook is the new American Idol for this year. Thank GOD it wasn't David Archuleta! I think I would have shot myself in the fucking head if that kid won! I really hope David Cook rocks the shit out of the music industry when he cuts his first single and his first album. To be honest, I didn't like him in the beginning...mostly because of his look. I am glad that the producers saw that they couldn't market him as well as they could with him looking like that. Stupid red streaks in his awful haircut and that annoying dirt stain just below his lip. He looked like he just got out of bed and went on stage without looking in the mirror. And now, he looks like a fucking rockstar.

I had a lot of beef with this year's top 12. First off, I was real pissed that Asia and Kady were booted while the likes of Amanda, Jason Castro and Ramiele stayed. Asia (I know her name is Asia'h, or some shit like that, but I refuse to spell it like her drunk parents did when they named her), I thought, had an awesome voice and a good look. Kady, on the other hand, was just entertaining and I wanted to see her for a few more weeks. I lost my shit when she did her impressions...especially of Britney Spears! But, the audience...*cough* producers *cough*...thought otherwise.

How the fuck Amanda even got into the top 24 is beyond me! If anyone heard her tonight, she sounded like she was on drugs and just went for oral surgery. Reminded me of Bob Dylan if he just yelled what he was singing into the microphone. And not that I wanted to see this, but why the hell, when all the other girls were wearing skirts or dresses, did she still wear pants? She must have some fucked up legs underneath those jeans, let me tell you. Probably all scarred up from riding her motorcycle and getting bottles thrown at her while she was singing in her bar. Most of the time, she looked like she belonged with the Addams Family.

From day 1 I wanted to kick Jason Castro in the head and knock some sense into that kid. Could he be any more dumb? Anytime he was interviewed, he must have kept thinking to himself, "How stupid can I act on camera?" Just when I thought the kid couldn't act any more stupid, he just blew me out of the water over and over again. It actually pissed me off that he stuck around to the top 4. I would have rather seen the male strip club dancer in there more than him! Hallelujah? Are you fucking shitting me? How in the hell do you sing that song and practically get Simon Cowell to tell you it got him hard?! Unbelievable...just unbelievable! Would someone please shave that kid's fucking head, please?! I swear I saw some birds setting up a nest in there the last time he was on camera.

Speaking of the male strip club dancer... All I have to say is, "WOW!" That's some fucked up shit. I almost pissed my pants when I heard that one. Funny how that all came out the week he was kicked off. Think any homophobes vote out there? Oh, yeah, of course they do...that's why they voted off Danny Noriega as soon as they could. All I kept thinking when they were up there doing the George Michael song medly was, "I wonder if David Hernandez is going to give 'ol Georgie a lap dance after the show!"

And what the fuck went wrong the week Michael Johns went home? Did the producers really want him gone that bad? I know EVERYONE was shocked as hell to see that happen. I was pissed off like you wouldn't believe! The guy was solid gold! I have a feeling that they wanted him gone because he was Australian and 29 years old...not quite fitting the "American" Idol mold. Maybe it was because they saw how badly an older American Idol did in the market...i.e. Taylor Hicks. I hope he becomes a rockstar.

David Archuleta...where do I begin with this kid. Does he have a good voice? Absolutely! Do prepubescent teens and senior citizens love him? Yes, yes they do. Have his testicles dropped yet? That's a resounding NO! The kid had one dance move on the stage, and it was moving his arm outwards. He licked his lips so obsessively, I think he might have OCD. And if he ever sang while he was driving (er, when he drives...hehehe), he would get into an accident every time because he can't seem to keep his eyes open! I said it for the past few weeks...if he had come on American Idol in 6 years from now, he'd be a winner. At this point, he can't even stand up on stage without getting lightheaded and nervous as hell because he is worried his father will beat him if he doesn't do a good job. There's just no comparison between last year's 17-year old winner (Jordin Sparks) and this year's 17-year old runner-up. He was nothing more than David Cook's little brother up there.

One last thing before I sign off on this blog... Chikezie will always be a pimp in my mind and I hate Carly Smithson with a passion I only reserve for Notre Damn (oops, I mean...Dame) and Boston University. Cocky little bitch.

Ok, I'm out.

The First Blog

Ok, so here I am at midnight on a Wednesday night, just signing up for this whole blog thing. This is due to my own daily frustrations with the world, as well as some encouragement (aka nagging force) to start a blog. So, well, here we go...

I could be playing Grand Theft Auto 4 right now, but instead, I am typing away at my keyboard thinking about what exactly I want to say. Now, this isn't because I don't have anything to say, mind you. I have PLENTY to say! It's just that I need to focus on one thing to say at a time...otherwise, you will all think that I am a fucking retard.

Anyway, so back to playing Grand Theft Auto 4... If you've ever played any one of the Grand Theft Auto series, you'll know that it is immensely fun. It gives you a completely new outlook on your daily life. I find myself driving down the road and instead of just getting frustrated and pissed off at all the stupid drivers on the road, preventing me from going at the speed I want to, I mentally vision how I can just drive around them. By that I mean cutting in between lanes on the highway in between cars, riding over the curb and onto the sidewalk or even just slamming into the car in front of me and pushing him/her/them out of the way. It's kind of messed up, actually.

You can take out all of the frustrations of the day on this game and it's midly retarded inhabitants. If someone looks at you funny, you can just take out your gun and blow his or her head off. Or, you can pull people out of their cars and stomp on their heads while they are on the ground. Or better yet, you can run over a crowd of people going 40 miles an hour through a park or on the sidewalk. It's pretty fun...and after a while, you forget that you have missions you need to complete. Gee, I wonder where kids these days get such violence from...hmm...?

I just thought of something else that I want to write about, but it has nothing to do with this. So, looks like I will have to create another blog to talk about it. Too be continued...