Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I'm Sorry...I'm From New Jersey!

This is for all you New Jersey haters...



So, I've been getting sick and tired of hearing people from other states talking shit about New Jersey. Been born and raised here my whole life. It's not that I've never been anywhere...it's just I like New Jersey the best. Here's what I have to say to you if you think otherwise.



I'm sorry, but I am from New Jersey. It's quite sad if you think that New Jersey is some shitty place in the U.S. I guess, according to you, I have some things to apologize for...



First of all, I am sorry if you can't drive in this great state of New Jersey. I'm sorry if you can't figure out all the damn exits on our highways...so weird that the exits are each a mile apart and numbered in order! What's that? You don't know how many miles apart exit 98 and 63 are? Yeah, well genius, since you obviously can't add or subtract, that's 35. But, New Jersey is weird like that, right?

The United States is sybolized by a few things that are recognizable by nearly everyone in the world. One, is our flag. Another is the bald eagle. Another great symbol is the statue of liberty and of course, Ellis Island. Hmm...guess where they are both located? That's right, New Jersey! I am personally tired of New Yorkers taking all the credit for having such a symbol as part of their "great" state. It's in New Jersey folks...deal with it.

Want to know the reason why New Jersey has one of the highest vehicle insurance rates in the country? It's because we have so many people from outside of the state driving here! Yes, I'm talking to all you shoppers out there who love to come to the unlimited multitude of malls that we have in this great state. Because YOU don't know how to drive around here, YOU cause accidents. Therefore, WE have to suffer by dealing with high vehicle insurance premiums. I, for one, greatly appreciate that. THANKS...jerks!

You know what else I have to apologize for? Electricity and the Theory of Relativity. Yep, I am apologizing for them. You know why? Because two of the greatest minds of the 20th century lived in New Jersey...Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein. I guess I have to apologize because if it wasn't for these two men, we would still be living by candlelight and wondering how come we have day, night and wondering about all those stars up above. Oh yeah, and thanks (in part) to a guy named Buzz Aldrin, the United States (and the world) saw men on the moon. Another good old Jersey boy that I guess I should be apologizing for, shouldn't I? And who could forget voices like Frank Sinatra, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen? All people who changed the face of music forever.

For those of you who are confused as to what kind of climate New Jersey has, I apologize. Unlike many of the "popular" states in this country, we have what are called...seasons. Yes, New Jersey experiences winter, spring, summer AND fall! So you can get frostbite and heat exhaustion, watch the flowers bloom and the leaves turn colors all in one place! The one thing that I REALLY do have to apologize for is the humidity in the summer. Yeah, I know, it sucks...

I'm sorry for all the farms New Jersey has. Because without those, you wouldn't be able to enjoy the best tomatos, corn and dairy products in the country. Like ice cream? Well, the milk mostly comes from New Jersey. Like ketchup? From New Jersey tomatos... I am sure I can name a dozen other things that come from the products of New Jersey, but I think you get the point.

I am also sorry that New Jersey can't have just one or two kinds of people like some of the other "popular" states. Take Florida, for example... They have only two kinds of people, so you can't get confused about where you are. They have people who are nearly dead and people who are retired and waiting to be nearly dead. Nope, not in New Jersey. You've got sophisticated people in the northeast, people who like to live far apart from one another in the farmlands to the northwest and southwest, you've got beachgoers all along the east coast in central and south Jersey and you have a host of others peppered all in the middle. Yes, including some hicks. Sorry, but that's just what makes New Jersey different. And, if you can survive here, you can survive anywhere.

Well, I think I am going to wrap up this little rant here. I can see you're getting tired of hearing all about how terrible New Jersey is. I'm sorry I had to put you through this, but you asked for it. That's what happens when you hear one too many New Jersey jokes. I'm tired of people calling my great state the "armpit of America." I guess I have a lot of things to apologize for, right? Most of all, I'm sorry because you aren't from New Jersey...and it eats you up inside.

4 comments:

Michele said...

Hey, I had no idea you posted this. You're the funniest guy I know. Keep posting, you speak the truth!

Bill said...

Don't waste your breath, you'll need all you can get if you live here.

Lisa said...

I'm from MD, but I will jump on the Jersey train and say Ocean City, NJ is MUCH better than Ocean City,MD. And DE's beaches can't even compare to Jersey beaches.
You got that going for you so Jersey can't be all that bad :)

Culinary Alchemist said...

Funny! But I have to say, I always thought that Butte, Montana was the armpit of the USA.... Sadley, the only thing I have ever seen in Jersey is the inside of Newark Airport.